I don’t mean crazy in the fun, free-spirited way, I mean that they have lost their minds. Or have they? The short hand version of this foray into the psyche of the minds of my family is that my father, who walked out on my mother and I 16 years ago and who I haven’t spoken to since before I got married 3 years ago, called me out of the blue one night a couple of weeks ago. He wanted to apologize for everything he had put me through since his sudden and very unexpected departure from the lives of my mother and I. I don’t want to diminish the sincerity of this surprise apology, but the series of events that have followed this phone call is on the verge of tearing what remains of my family apart, to the point that I almost wish I could go back to having an absent father.
What has ensued since that phone call can only be described as weird. With both of my parents being married to my step-parents, they are now in the middle of planning their respective separations from said spouses and their reunion. How many kids go through their lives and wish that their parents were back together? At the age of 33, this is about to happen with my parents, and I think it sucks. There are so many thoughts swirling around my brain about this, that I have sort of gone numb to it all. I don’t feel anything but exhaustion when I think about it. My sisters, who share a mother, but not this man who has swept in from out of left field, are on the eve of shutting out our mom if she goes through with this relationship with my father. This post could get very lengthy if I tried to explain the history of my family and what has led to this impending divide. Suffice it to say, I am glad that I live a great physical distance away from it. I can choose to answer the phone and be a part of it, which I’m not so sure I want to do right now. This has all happened at an incredible speed and I am desperately trying to stop the swirling and figure out how I truly feel about it all.
All of this during the weeks leading up to my first 5K, which I am finding it incredibly difficult to focus on right now. I tried to go running yesterday, after back to back phone calls with my mother and one of my sisters and I just could not focus. I had to turn around after running only four tenths of a mile. My personal best is 2.46 miles in 31 minutes. I have a route that I have mapped out in the neighborhood that I run in, and I am determined to make it that last half of a mile to equal three total miles. I haven’t done it yet, and the race is this Saturday. I have faith that I can push this out of my mind long enough to get ready for the big day. At least I think I do.
In addition to the turmoil in my family and the race preparations, I have been debating a significant change in my career as an educator. I have taught elementary grades for the past 10 years. My principal would really like for me to move up and teach middle school English/language arts. I have resisted and debated and contemplated, and finally, last Friday, I turned in my letter of intent stating that I would move up. I’m incredibly nervous by this new challenge and have had that mixed in with the other thoughts demanding my attention.
I am beginning to feel a constant state of anxiety, which is absolutely maddening. But, I’m a stronger person than I was 16 years ago when my dad left, and now that he has re-entered my life, I’m going to prove to myself that I can handle anything that comes my way. I will not let this drag me down to where I was. I will push forward and I will survive the craziness. I’ve got this!